A Ride On Our Rollercoaster

Come on along on a trip around our roller coaster...

So a typical adoption situation goes a little (or a lot) like this...  We get a "Call for Profiles" email from one of our agencies.  This involves a detailed (sometimes way more so than others) social and medical history of the birth mom/parents we are potentially being presented to. This is to see if we are interested in having our profile shown. Typically, we know the age of the birth mom (and birth father if he is involved) and details about her health and pregnancy. We find out the due date of the baby, and how long prenatal care has been in place. We find out (most times) the gender of the baby and any details about the health of the baby. We also find out about the living situation of the birth parents and what their situation is. We find out their reason for pursuing adoption and their desired level of contact after the baby is born. We are also given a list of expenses to expect if this were to go to a "match" point. (Meaning that the birth family picks us and we get her baby.)  At this point, we start to try to connect with the birth family in some way. If we are interested, we write a detailed letter- personalized to the birth mom. This will be shown along with our picture profile book telling about us. This is all the birth parents have to go off of when making their decision- unless they choose to narrow it down to a couple families they want to interview. (this has only happened to us once). So we pray over the decision, work on our letter, wait/sleep on the letter- reread it- make changes and finally submit it to our social worker.  She then meets with the birth family and shares 8-10 profiles/letters from various families.  Our torture waiting begins here.

Sometimes birth parents take just a couple days.... sometimes it is a week, and many times it is about a month or longer.  The longer it goes- the more hopeful we tend to become- because we know that the social worker is meeting with the birth family at least once a week. She tries to get them to narrow down their decision-without pressuring them in anyway. When we submit our profiles- generally that is the only birth mom/family we can be shown to at that time. The reason is- if she chooses us- we are it. We are considered "matched" at this point and are unavailable to other birth moms. Their thinking is that if we are shown multiple places at the same time, multiple people could potentially pick us and one of the birth mom's would get hurt- which is devastating for them. (Pretty sure we know a little about what that feels like at this point!)  Sometimes we get a weekly update- sometimes we are left hanging and wondering.  During this wait time, we try not to get our hopes up- but it is inevitable.  This is a situation we are saying we are so interested in that if the birth mom were to choose us- we would take custody of her baby.  So we can't just submit to the situation and then leave it out of sight/mind. It is a total mind game for us. We start picturing our lives with this new little member... knowing the due date, and how long we have to wait until that date. We start picturing how things might play out, and how we would handle things if chosen. We picture our relationship with the birth mom and what that might look like, and we are constantly in prayer for her as she is making her decision. There are many times when I wake up in the middle of the night and pray for her and for the decision she is making. (Most of the ones that feel like it really could go in our favor- I end up cleaning like a crazy lady. We're talking washing walls, cleaning out closets, getting garage sale piles, organizing, etc... Allie and I are quite the team. :) (I think in pregnancies this is called nesting. I'm pretty sure my nest has nested itself at least a dozen times to this point!) Ultimately, we want God's will in each situation. If it is His will that this be our baby- we of course will be tickled pink- but we also know it might not be. It is hard to guard our hearts and to not get the involved- because THIS COULD BE THE ONE.

Sometimes we get an email from the social worker saying that she has lost temporary contact with the birth mom. Sometimes we get one that says she had an ultrasound and changed her mind and is now choosing to parent. Sometimes it is that they want more information- and so we email our answers back. Sometimes we are told we will get an interview- and then they change their minds. Many times we are told they picked another family(.... many times at this point is over 30! Seriously!)  When that happens, we go back to waiting for profiles again- and waiting to be shown. Sometimes it feels SO INCREDIBLY close- and so much like THIS HAS TO BE IT! And then we get the "Sorry, the birth family has decided to move ahead with another family." line. It is a grieving process when that email comes through. Grief for what could have been. Grief for where our hearts already were- but now have to go back to the starting line and start all over again. Grief for the fact that we are on this roller coaster and it feels broken and will NEVER stop.  Grief that we have to tell our families that this one was not the one- and we are back to the drawing board...AGAIN! Grief that Allie still doesn't get to be a big sister yet. Grief that we will never get to meet the baby that we had started to get attached to in our hearts.

We KNOW that God has a plan. We are trying to figure out if we are still on the right path, or if He is calling us a different direction.  We know that His timing is never late... and that He knows where and who our next baby is.  We know that He is with us in the low lows of the 30 plus "rejection notices" we've gotten. We know that He has us right where He wants us- and while He doesn't cause this mess... He uses it. Our faith is stretched and grown to places we have never thought possible. Our relationship is stronger than glue, and our daughter is learning and seeing in a tangible way how to pray for something and wait on God to answer.  And I'd like to think that birth families are being prayed for who maybe will never know- but who maybe touched in some way because of the prayers offered up on their behalf.

We are thankful for our families and friends who are standing on the sidelines cheering and praying for us. Holding up signs as we pass along the runway on our rounds of this roller coaster ride- giving us encouragement and strength to hang in there. We never dreamed this process could be so draining and take SO. INCREDIBLY. L.O.N.G!!!!!! We are at the two and a half year mark... three Christmas's since we "announced we were expecting" to adopt baby number two at any time.  Sigh. Obviously our timing is not God's timing... the human part of us is exhausted and so ready to give up. That part of us is beaten down and discouraged and low on hope.  The part of us that has faith is clinging on to the promises that we KNOW our God is working on something and we need to wait on and trust in Him.  Thankfully that part is stronger and wiser than the human part- although the human part is still hurting.  Please keep praying for our second baby. We need to pray him/her home!!!!!! Our arms and family aches for them to be here.
Thanks!